As Black Friday continues to grow, completely replacing each of Dante’s nine circles of Hell and turning the rest of our lives into a Black Mirror Christmas special, Moston Lane Appliances stands alone against the forces of darkness, our dependable and reasonably priced white goods protecting us against a world of uncertainty and crony capitalism.

Black Friday, Cyber Monday… err… Super Tuesday…

Let’s stop naming days and let’s start actually living them.

Yes, that WAS quite profound, but try not to cry, because at Moston Lane Appliances, every day is Super Tuesday! That is to say, we offer a super repairs service and super advice so you can find the washing machine, dryer or refrigerator that is right for you (technically we do observe other days of the week and we’re closed on Sundays).

And yeah, Black Friday isn’t that bad, I suppose. Each year we choose one boy and one girl from each district to fight to the death on live television. I get it. It’s fun. But isn’t there more to life than using the bodies of your fellow shoppers as a kind of macabre carpet so you can reach the 3D TV that will make you forget the actual world is in three dimensions, too? (Check out our televisions here)

If you haven’t seen or heard of the 1999 scifi epic, The Matrix, then please make sure you’re sitting down before I say: WE’RE LIVING IN THE MATRIX.

That’s right. According to the International Business Times, about half the items sold on Black Friday are actually at their cheapest at other times of the year. HALF. Of course, this is the sort of thing that’s bound to happen when you’re living in a simulation designed by a network of machine overlords so they can use us giant batteries, powering their own version of Black Friday which actually has much better deals because their superior processing power allows them to see through marketing gimmicks.

As Keanu Reeves says in his famous speech at the end of the film, holding C3P0’s head aloft in defiance: ‘Choose life. Choose a washing machine. Choose (Moston Lane Appliances).’